Marauder’s Musings
by Where's-The-Plot
Summary: The Marauder's fill a book up with musings on all the big problems in life. Well try to anyway.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:Hey, the Marauder's Musings is one of those note passing, conversation type stories. Enjoy.**

**A for Alphabet and Arguments. **

Testing. Testing. One, two, three.

-Padfoot

Hey it works. It's got my name under it and everything.

-Padfoot

So… why are we doing this again?

-Wormtail

We've been over this Pete; I suggested making this fantastic book to preserve our brilliance for the generations yet to come.

-Padfoot

You suggested?

I suggested this you dog bothering arse.

-Prongs

I did too suggest it! I remember we were in the Three Broomsticks and I said-

-Padfoot

You're not even allowed in there, ever since you got hammered that time and tried to dry hump that bar stool. You liar.

-Prongs

Oh sod off!

-Padfoot

Can our first entry into the self writing book not degenerate into an argument?

-Moony

Moony when did you get here?

-Padfoot

I was the one who set the book up and got you all here. But you and your nonexistent attention span have forgotten all about all the hard work that went into this book.

-Moony

Book? What bo… oh yeah, this book.

-Padfoot

Which I thought of.

- Prongs

Anyway, we need to come up with a way of organizing and deciding what will be in this book.

-Moony

Why?

-Wormtail

Because if you left it to Sirius we'd get 400 pages of his sexual fantasies.

-Prongs

Oi, don't use my name James you arse.

- Padfoot

Why bloody not?

-Prongs

Because I don't fancy having book full of evidence with my real name and address inside it as well.

-Padfoot

That's an unusual amount of foresight for you Pads.

-Moony

Well I don't have anything to hide Sirius Black so ha.

-Prongs

Very mature Prongs.

-Moony

Oh no?

James Potter has a stuffed bear called Sir Hugginsworth, A stash of Gillyweed under his bed and a small shrine to Lily bloody Evans in your wardrobe. So ha bloody ha.

-padfoot

Padfoot you flea ridden tosser!

-Prongs

Sirius already gave my name away.

-Wormtail

That's not the same thing, for one I did it, for two it's not like you do anything interesting is it?

-Padfoot

Was that comment really that necessary?

-Moony

Yes. Absolutely.

-Padfoot

Well now were all suitably incriminated, how are we going to order this thing?

-Moony

The best would be chronologically.

-Moony

What does-

-Wormtail

In the order they happened Pete.

-Prongs

I vote for randomly.

-Padfoot

Let's have a suggestion from someone who isn't mentally handicapped.

-Moony

That was rather cruel Moony.

-Padfoot

Oh oh alphabetically.

-Wormtail

I kind of like that idea. Well done Pete.

-Prongs

Fine, if you want to be boring do that.

-Padfoot

So it's decided we doing the book of Marauder's Musings alphabetically.

-Mooney

**AN:** **Sorry if it was a bit short the next chapter will be longer. Feedback would be nice people.**


	2. Chapter 2

**B for Booze and Birds **

It's B for Booze readers.

-Padfoot

Yes, so readers the best way to find any booze is to go down the secret passage-

-Prongs

No.

-Moony

No?

-Padfoot

No, we are not going to tell our readers how to find alcohol.

-Moony

Spoil sport.

-Padfoot

Sorry if I find corrupting future generations distasteful.

-Moony

Well, if that's the case will have to talk about something else, I guess.

-Prongs

Oh! We could talk about Moony.

-Prongs

How so?

-Moony

B for bloody boring.

-Prongs

Oh that was pretty good for you James. 7 out of 10 for effort.

-Padfoot

You are a little boring Moony. Sorry.

-Wormtail

8 out of 10 for effort Pete.

-Padfoot

What? How was that better then what I said?

-Prongs

I think it's unfair to mark the thick kids the same as the other children.

-Padfoot

Can we stop talking about Sirius' little rating game and talk about something more rewarding?

-Moony

What do you suggest we talk about? Books?

-Padfoot

What's wrong with enjoying books? We are after all writing one.

-Moony

Yeah but our book's different, it's about me for starters.

-Padfoot

The world doesn't revolve around you, you know.

-Moony

Yes it does!

-Padfoot

No it revolves around the Sun. But the Sun is a large dense ball of hot air, so I see where you could get confused.

-Moony

Bugger you!

-Padfoot

Just suggest something else then.

-Moony

Birds!

-Padfoot

Birds wound be better suited under O for ornithology.

-Moony

I doubt Padfoot was talking about those type of birds.

-Prongs

What's orni-

-Wormtail

The study of birds Pete.

- Moony

I meant birds as in women: girls, lass, whores, ladies of the night-

-Padfoot

The last two meant prostitute Sirius, at least attempt to have some decency.

-Moony

Screw decency!

-Padfoot

You would say that. You're so obsessed with sex.

-Moony

I think you might be over compensating for something mate.

-Prongs

I can't help it. I am SEX. Women want me and they're willing

-Padfoot

Willing to do what?

-Wormtail

Well… umm… they're just bloody willing ok Pete? I'm not having **that **conversation with you Pete. Ask Moony about it later.

-Padfoot

Look If we're going to talk about girls, let's talk about Lily.

-Prongs

We are not talking about Lily bloody Evans!

-Padfoot

Why not?

-Prongs

Because it's always so boring-

-Padfoot

More boring then Moony, sorry Moony.

-Wormtail

Ssssshhhh Pete I'm talking. Anyway, it's always Lily's so lovely, Lily's so perfect blah blah blah, swoon swoon swoon all the bloody time.

-Padfoot

He does have a point. James your 'relationship' with Lily is a bit repetitive.

-Moony

How?

-Prongs

You talk to her, she hits you, and you go off to cry like a pansy.

-Padfoot

I don't cry you liar and she only hits me because I listen to your advice!

-Prongs

First of all you do cry mate and secondly I always give you pure gold; you just don't have the charm or the good looks to pull it off!

-Padfoot

I don't call 'want to see my magic wand' charming it's vulgar if anything.

-Moony

You know what else is Vulgar? You!

-Padfoot

How will I ever recover from that epic blow? I shall have to hide from the public to avoid the shame!

-Moony

Was that sarcasm?

-Wormtail

Yes Peter. Well spotted.

-Moony

Ha! Only ugly people use sarcasm!

-Padfoot

You're not as good looking as you think you are Padfoot.

-Prongs

I agree with James you do have an inflated opinion of your self Sirius.

-Moony

Oh, bugger you. My charm and good looks get me more dates then you Moony!

-Padfoot

I wouldn't call what you have with those girls 'dates'. You, Padfoot my friend, clearly have a fear of serious commitment with the number of sleazy encounters you have

-Moony

Of course I have a Siri-

-Padfoot

No! I will not allow you to make that pun. Ever again.

-Prongs

It's so bad it hurts your ears-

-Moony

Well at least my jumper doesn't look gay Moony!

-Padfoot

It doesn't look gay!

-Moony

Does it?

-Moony

I'm not saying anything out of respect for you Moony.

-Prongs

You do look a tiny bit gay in it. Sorry.

-Wormtail

If by tiny you meant very, then I agree with you Pete.

-Padfoot

Hey weren't we talking about James' tragic love life. Let's all look at him!

-Moony

Oh thanks Moony.

-Prongs

Oh yeah! James can't pull! haha.

-Padfoot

I can Pull! I'm playing the long game.

-Prongs

In your case it's the longest bloody game in existence.

-Padfoot

Slowly breaking somebody down until they give up isn't how you romance a girl James. It's how you fight wars.

-Moony

Well you know what they say about love and war.

-Wormtail

There's a high chance of suicide afterwards?

-Padfoot

That was rather tasteless Sirius. Even for you. In fact I'm going to pretend you didn't even say it and will help James with his problems instead.

- Moony

James, if you want to have a chance with Lily don't listen to Padfoot. Ever.

-Moony

Hey I've had the most experience with the ladies!

-Padfoot

No, you've had a number of cheapening and sordid adventures inside the broom closet.

-Moony

Just give Lily chocolates James. No one dislikes chocolates.

-Moony

Too bad we've done A we could of talked about Remus and his bloody chocolate addiction.

-Padfoot

Because you know, addiction starts with a A.

-Padfoot

Or we could of talked about you and your alcohol issues.

-Moony

Merlin, are Peter and I the only clean people here?

-Prongs

What the comfort eater and the druggie I doubt it mate.

-Padfoot

Anyway, where was I-

-Moony

Being a pansy and helping with James' women problems.

-Padfoot

No Padfoot I'm being a good friend, not that you know what that is. Anyway. Get her some chocolates-

-Moony

Oh oh and a card.

-Wormtail

Good idea Peter. Chocolates and a card.

-Moony

OK. I'll go do that Now. Bye.

-Prongs

Prongs has a really gay run doesn't he?

-Padfoot

I'm more worried by the fact he was humming 'Get me to the church on time'

-Moony

Well I've got to meet two birds in a broom cupboard to start one of my FUN and REWARDING adventures so I'm off as well.

-Padfoot

Well I've got to help Peter with his potions anyway. So that's it for now I guess.

-Moony

* * *

**AN:** **Hey I made this section a bit longer. I hope you enjoyed it, the next one won't be up as quickly. ****If you've got any suggestions for D (C's all ready planned) let me know. Also any type of feedbacks welcome.**


	3. Chapter 3

**C for Chocolate and Consequences **

**In which clothes and conceit appear, chocolates cause inconvenience and both courage** **and cowardice are shown.**

Where's James?

-Wormtail

Prongs where art thou bloody pansy-ish horns!

-Padfoot

He'll be here in a minute; I think we can mange without him for now.

-Moony

As its C today can we talk about my clothes - specifically my brand new waistcoat?

-Padfoot

What about it?

-Moony

Well, what do you think of it?

-Padfoot

Well Padfoot, bright purple is so very discreet.

-Moony

That's sarcasm!

-Wormtail

Yes Peter well done. I'm glad to see those two hours explaining sarcasm weren't wasted on you.

-Moony

So you think I should I get rid of it then?

-Padfoot

No. I think you should burn it, so it can never pollute my eye sight again with it's disregard for taste.

-Moony

Bugger you Moony I didn't want your opinion anyway!

-Padfoot

Then why did you bother to ask?

-Moony

You know when you just ask somebody else's opinion just to validate a decision they already made? It was like that.

-Padfoot

I like your waistcoat Padfoot!

-Wormtail

Thanks Pete my favourite droog.

-Padfoot

Oh look its James!

-Wormtail

**MOONY YOU ARSE!**

**-**Prongs

What have I done!?

-Moony

You've gone and made Lily think I pranked her.

-Prongs

I really have no idea what you're talking about James.

-Moony

She's allergic to nuts!

-Prongs

And? I even I knew that.

-Padfoot

What? Don't look at me like that. Tuesday told me in passing.

-Padfoot

Tuesday?

-Wormtail

Yeah, I've stopped bothering to learn their names.

-Padfoot

That's a horrid way to treat women Sirius.

-Moony

No it's not. It's time saving if anything. This way I get to spread the pleasure I give much quicker, without cutting down the Sirius Black experience.

-Padfoot

That's not all you're spreading.

-Moony

Moony, why must you **spread **these lies? It hurts me deeply.

-Padfoot

At least I'm don't get called 'Syphilis Sirius'

-Moony

Neither do I. I get called Sirius 'Stardust' Black.

-Padfoot

Or 'Sirius the large'

-Padfoot

Or-

-Padfoot

Oi, arse faces! Can we stay on subject for once!

-Prongs

OK big deal Lily's allergic to nuts. So?

-Padfoot

The chocolates had nuts in them you dog humping arse. Lily swelled up into a fat red blob until she went to the hospital wing.

-Prongs

Attractive!

-Wormtail

Yes Peter, we're all pleased you've finally gotten sarcasm after those two long hours but now's not the time.

-Moony

Well Prongs, she's going to kill you. Have fun haunting Moony!

-Padfoot

James I can see how my advice led to this, but I don't think this was all my fault.

-Moony

Ha who's advice is crap now Moony!

-Padfoot

Shut up Padfoot. You're not helping.

-Moony

And almost killing James' crush is?

-Padfoot

Well at least I don't-

-Moony

Oi, sorry to interrupt your lovers spat but we've got to find away of fixing this before Lily attempts to rip out my spleen. Again.

-Prongs

Just tell her it was my fault. Tell her I got the chocolates for you to give to her.

-Moony

Now I don't care enough to get her presents myself. Great help Moony.

-Prongs

That's sar-

-Wormtail

Not the time Pete.

-Moony

She's not going to believeit's your fault anyway, your Remus. You're practically perfect in anyway.

-Prongs

Like Mary bloody Poppins, I think a carpet bag would suit Moony. Muggle movies are so good.

-Padfoot

Still not helping Padfoot.

-Moony

Just tell her it was Pete.

-Padfoot

Hey!

-Wormtail

She'll just think I bullied in to taking the blame.

-Prongs

Well in that case I've heard Ireland's nice this time of year!

-Padfoot

I'm not moving to sodding Ireland Padfoot.

-Prongs

Come on Moony you're supposed to be the clever one! There's got to be away out of this!

-Prongs

I can't think under pressure!

- Moony

James Lily's coming!

-Wormtail

I'm moving to Ireland. Bye guys.

-Prongs

Don't move Potter! I'm going to kill you.

-Lily

It was Remus I swear!

-Prongs

Don't lie Potter

-Lily

_I guess it's time for Sirius Black to save the day as always. _

-Padfoot

What are you mumbling about Black?

-Lily

I did it! I swapped James' chocolates and James had no idea.

-Padfoot

**OW! Fuck that hurt!**

-Padfoot

Wow! You punch hard Lily.

-Wormtail

I guess I'm sorry James. Anyway come along Black I'm not finished with you.

-Lily

**Ah. Help. Bloody Hell Ahhh! Not the stairs! Bloody hell not the stairs! Ahhh!**

-Padfoot

She dragged him. By his legs. With one hand. Up stairs. I'm impressed to say the least.

-Moony

I can't believe he did that for me.

-Prongs

His blood trail looks like a question mark.

-Wormtail

So it does Pete.

-Moony

Padfoot's a surprisingly good friend.

-Prongs

You know this is going to come back and bite you in the ass right?

-Moony

How could it? Lily forgave me. She called me James and I still have a spleen. This is turned out for the best. How could this bite me in ass?

-Prongs

Sirius.

-Moony

Sirius is going to bite James on the arse?

-Wormtail

Sirius never does anything for free.

-Moony

So hang on, Sirius is going to bite him in arse as payment?

-Wormtail

It was a figure of speech, Peter.

-Moony

Oh, Ok.

-Wormtail

Wouldn't put it past him though.

-Prongs

Perhaps you should stop making fun of Padfoot and try to find his bleeding remains.

-Moony

It's the least you owe him to be honest

-Moony

Yeah, I guess you're right.

-Prongs

* * *

**AN: Hell is that a plot forming I can see? So as always feedback's welcome, as are suggestions for D. ****I will attempt to make these longer as I get more time to script this story over the summer. **


End file.
